Throw the Jew down the well

In case you haven't heard, Sacha Baron Cohen is the British comedian who stars in the movie Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, which would have to be the funniest movie I've ever seen.

The following clip was not in the movie, it came from the Ali G show - and remember, Cohen himself is Jewish, and graduated from Cambridge.




I know this is a bit late seeing that the big croc man stuck his thumb up one too many sting rays' butt holes quite a while ago, but I think it pretty much sums up the great God Irwin.




My final clip is from one of my favourite comedies in England, The Office. This is bound to make your week if you haven't seen it already.

Catholic wankers

Continuing on with the religious theme from last week, and having been brought up a catholic, I've been pondering a few of the sins that could see me rotting in hell, especially that really annoying one: the sin of masturbation.

If everything I've read about the sin is true, then I am going to be truly fucked for all eternity.

This all came about when I started wondering whether it would be a sin or not for nuns to use vibrators, and I stumbled onto a catholic forum and got the following answers:

"Only under the blanket with the light out," says one punter.

"Masturbating not 'aloud' as it would echo around the convent," says another.

Assaulting your possum not allowed: Catholic Church

Some catholics say, What's a wet dream? It's god stroking me off - so if he does it to me I can do it to myself.

This raises a whole heap of questions about whether God is male or female. Come to think of it, if God is a bloke, then he shouldn't be doing those things to me when I'm asleep. However, if God happens to be a beautuful woman who comes to visit me during the wee hours in the form of a sexy angel type, then that'd be a different story, she'd be welcome anytime. Then again, I guess that'd probably just be the devil in disguise, wouldn't it.

Although it doesn't say anywhere in the Bible, "Thou shall not spank thy monkey", the Catechism of the Catholic Church lists masturbation as one of the "Offenses Against Chastity" and calls it "an intrinsically and gravely disordered action" because "use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose."

And that includes catholic women too, of course, so girls, next time you 'double click on the mouse', you better think twice, unless, according to your church, burning in the fires of hell doesn't bother you.

Don't worry girls, you're not the only ones who are screwed, according to Jesus, I commit adultery every two minutes - Christ said, "Whoever looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart." (Mt 5:28).

Other Catholics have said, if you can masturbate without fantacizing about someone then it's not a sin. But that' s like playing rugby without a ball, or trying to eat without food.

It's not just Catholicism that outlaws fun either: Judaism, and some sects of Protestantism also consider it a taboo. And while some conservative sects of Islam consider 'beating the bishop' to be impure, killing one can get you martyrdom.

No beating around the bush

Not only is masturbation out, either: "It is always intrinsically wrong to use contraception including sterilization, condoms and other barrier methods, spermicides, coitus interruptus (withdrawal method), the Pill, and all other such methods to prevent new human beings from coming into existence," says the catholic church (catholic.com).

This church law is apparently based on a passage from The Old Testament know as The Sin of Onan.

Basically, it goes like this: One of Judah's sons is slain by God for wickedness - fair enough - so Judah asks his other son, Onan, to go and shag his brother's wife in order to continue the famiy seed.

Although he thought it a strange request, like so many sons trying to please their parents, Onan goes off to shag his brother's wife. But when he goes to do the deed, he has second thoughts and pulls out at the last minute, literally, spilling his seed all over the ground. The Lord was not impressed and slew Onan as well.

See, the thing is, the moral I get from that passage is not that contraception is bad, rather, it's don't fuck with the Lord or he is gonna smite your sorry arse. If you are told to shag your brother's wife, then you bloody well better do it!

It's a good thing for Catholics, being the wanking, vibrator using, pill taking, condom wearing, lusting, felating, aldultery in woman's hearts committing, cunnilingual sinners that they are, that they can just go and confess and get their get-out-of-hell-free cards in order to avoid eternal damnation, or they'd be screwed.

In these anxious times, isn't it wonderful and reassuring to have religion to support us with its eternal wisdom.

And to the legions of nuns who read this blog, no, you may not keep your vibrators!

Harry Potter is the Devil

In case you haven't heard, Harry Potter is 'Satanic', according to the Pope's official exorcist.

"Behind Harry Potter hides the signature of the king of the darkness, the devil," Father Gabriele Amorth, the Pope's chief expert in casting out demons, said in an interview with the Daily Mail.

I think the Pope's chief caster-out-of-demons is taking the piss. He really needs to read the book again (Harry Potter, that is, not the bible). It's plain to see that if the signature of darkness is hidden behind anyone, it's that nasty bit of gear, Malfoy, not lil' ol' Harry. And if he is serious about the devil then he needs to crack down on The Wiggles, bad mother fuckers that they are. Talk about the spawn of the devil, they wrote the book.

And this young christian nut agrees:

Four Pauls and the Neo-Nazis in the hills

A few weeks ago I went with a Spanish mate, Pablo, to vist our Pommy/Spanish buddy, Paul Smith, and his flate mate Pavel(Czechoslovakian for Paul) in the tiny village of Llanes which is tucked away in the hills of Asturias in Northern Spain.

We had an awesome time with plenty of fiestas, but it was Paul's dog, however, who took center stage. Paul takes this mutt with him wherever he goes. The dog is massive (I watched it put away 105 frankfurts without batting an eyelid) - a scary beast but pretty harmless. And ugly as sin - but don't tell Paul that.

Anyway, I didn't set up this blog to talk about dogs, far from it.

This particular weekend was fantastic, I had an awesome time catching up with my mates, and as it was to be my last weekend in Spain, we made it a big one with an all nighter in the village of Llanes with all the local yokels.

However, there was one incident that on the last day left us all feeling uneasy.

With raging hangovers on the Sunday morning we decided the best way to clear the mental mist was to get some food. So we took the scenic route through the hills on the way to the restaurant and were catching some nice glimpses of the valleys around Paul's house when we came across a group of about 16 people standing on the side of the road.

Incredibly, they were gathered round a swastika flag and were all doing the Heil Hitler salute! This is possibly one of the eeriest things I have ever witnessed in my life. We know they exist, but to see a Neo-Nazi group gathered in such a remote place in such large numbers, left us all feeling pretty sickened.

It did clear the hangovers though.

Nice little beach in Llanes

Pavel, Paul, Pablo watching the dog terrorize some kid

... and me

España

I spent a year in Santander in the north of Spain about 6 years ago and am back for a 6 week refresher course in Spanish!

I felt a strange mixture of nostalgia and melancholy during the first week. But I think I’m settling in nicely now, back to the old routine of classes in the morning, feast and siesta in the afternoon, followed by beach and beers in the evening.

Am staying with a Spanish family, and they are fantastic characters, and really good people! I love ‘em.

The grandmother is a staunch catholic, who believes that life was better under the dictator, General Franco, and is addicted to celebrity gossip shows (Spanish TV has hours of these shows every night), and Formula One racing.

Her daughter, Macu, in her forties, having recently quit smoking, is now addicted to icecream and condensed milk (She is in agreeance that this is probably the main reason why she has put on 20 kilos since quitting), and does not take kindly to her mother’s suggestions that she cut back on the cheese and bickies as well.

Joder

The Spanish, despite being such a catholic country, or maybe because of it, swear and blaspheme like you wouldn’t believe. And I’m not talking about your mamby pamby English blasphemy either.

Me cago en dios – literally, “I shit on God”, is one of their favourites and is used with about the same intensity and frequency as “shit” is used in English.

But to soften it down, some people say: me cago en diez, “I shit on 10”- Diez sounding similar to Dios.

Some other favourites:
Me cago en la leche – I shit on the milk. (Just doesn’t have the same oomph in English does it?)

And “joder”, “fuck”, is used by all people of all ages in just about any situation. It is used a lot more often, believe it or not, than “fuck” is used in English. Just to give you an idea, the staunchly religious 80-year-old grandmother who prays to the statue of the Virgin Mary with a candle every day and is huge fan of the Pope, uses “joder” more than anyone.

You’ve gotta love the cultural differences!

The Chav - Ja know wha a mea?

I've come across some strange things during my time overseas but none more so than the discovery of a creature peculiar to these parts.

Most people over here call them Chavs: strange vermin like creatures that speak such an ugly form of English that, once heard, the listener is compelled to leap of a cliff.

Spot a Chav

Without fail Chavs wear a uniform of white Rebock shoes, tracksuit pants, big brand shirts, truckloads of cheap jewellery and a healthy portion of gel in their bleached hair, all topped with the baseball cap.

This clip should give you some idea of what I'm talking about.



When trying to find the Australian version of a Chav the closest thing I could come up with was a Bogan.

But Bogans, with their flannelette shirts, mullet haircuts, big cars (driven down the main street of Australian country towns every Saturday night with heavy metal music blearing), pale in comparison to the plagues of Chavs that seem to be taking over England.


This is a Bogan (though he doesn't have a mullet):




I wonder what would happen if they ever met. I imagine it would be a bit like meeting your mirror image from a parallel universe. Perhaps a strange fascination at first, quickly followed by a viscous battle of attrition, where one was eliminated or both cancelled each other out.

Wouldn't that be nice!

She Bloody Won

Yes, with the £1000 prize in her (read our) pockets, Leisa now get's to work at Vogue for a month. And I guess if all goes well there is even the possibility of employment at the end of the work experience.

Meanwhile, I've taken the news quite well and have been busy planning my early retirement.

And for the record, I've got no qualms with being a "kept man".

Leisa had to write three pieces, one of which will be published in the October edition of Vogue.

And to celebrate all of this, I'm off to Spain on the 21st for six weeks!

It's gonna be tough...