Catholic wankers

Continuing on with the religious theme from last week, and having been brought up a catholic, I've been pondering a few of the sins that could see me rotting in hell, especially that really annoying one: the sin of masturbation.

If everything I've read about the sin is true, then I am going to be truly fucked for all eternity.

This all came about when I started wondering whether it would be a sin or not for nuns to use vibrators, and I stumbled onto a catholic forum and got the following answers:

"Only under the blanket with the light out," says one punter.

"Masturbating not 'aloud' as it would echo around the convent," says another.

Assaulting your possum not allowed: Catholic Church

Some catholics say, What's a wet dream? It's god stroking me off - so if he does it to me I can do it to myself.

This raises a whole heap of questions about whether God is male or female. Come to think of it, if God is a bloke, then he shouldn't be doing those things to me when I'm asleep. However, if God happens to be a beautuful woman who comes to visit me during the wee hours in the form of a sexy angel type, then that'd be a different story, she'd be welcome anytime. Then again, I guess that'd probably just be the devil in disguise, wouldn't it.

Although it doesn't say anywhere in the Bible, "Thou shall not spank thy monkey", the Catechism of the Catholic Church lists masturbation as one of the "Offenses Against Chastity" and calls it "an intrinsically and gravely disordered action" because "use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose."

And that includes catholic women too, of course, so girls, next time you 'double click on the mouse', you better think twice, unless, according to your church, burning in the fires of hell doesn't bother you.

Don't worry girls, you're not the only ones who are screwed, according to Jesus, I commit adultery every two minutes - Christ said, "Whoever looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart." (Mt 5:28).

Other Catholics have said, if you can masturbate without fantacizing about someone then it's not a sin. But that' s like playing rugby without a ball, or trying to eat without food.

It's not just Catholicism that outlaws fun either: Judaism, and some sects of Protestantism also consider it a taboo. And while some conservative sects of Islam consider 'beating the bishop' to be impure, killing one can get you martyrdom.

No beating around the bush

Not only is masturbation out, either: "It is always intrinsically wrong to use contraception including sterilization, condoms and other barrier methods, spermicides, coitus interruptus (withdrawal method), the Pill, and all other such methods to prevent new human beings from coming into existence," says the catholic church (catholic.com).

This church law is apparently based on a passage from The Old Testament know as The Sin of Onan.

Basically, it goes like this: One of Judah's sons is slain by God for wickedness - fair enough - so Judah asks his other son, Onan, to go and shag his brother's wife in order to continue the famiy seed.

Although he thought it a strange request, like so many sons trying to please their parents, Onan goes off to shag his brother's wife. But when he goes to do the deed, he has second thoughts and pulls out at the last minute, literally, spilling his seed all over the ground. The Lord was not impressed and slew Onan as well.

See, the thing is, the moral I get from that passage is not that contraception is bad, rather, it's don't fuck with the Lord or he is gonna smite your sorry arse. If you are told to shag your brother's wife, then you bloody well better do it!

It's a good thing for Catholics, being the wanking, vibrator using, pill taking, condom wearing, lusting, felating, aldultery in woman's hearts committing, cunnilingual sinners that they are, that they can just go and confess and get their get-out-of-hell-free cards in order to avoid eternal damnation, or they'd be screwed.

In these anxious times, isn't it wonderful and reassuring to have religion to support us with its eternal wisdom.

And to the legions of nuns who read this blog, no, you may not keep your vibrators!