Catholic wankers

Continuing on with the religious theme from last week, and having been brought up a catholic, I've been pondering a few of the sins that could see me rotting in hell, especially that really annoying one: the sin of masturbation.

If everything I've read about the sin is true, then I am going to be truly fucked for all eternity.

This all came about when I started wondering whether it would be a sin or not for nuns to use vibrators, and I stumbled onto a catholic forum and got the following answers:

"Only under the blanket with the light out," says one punter.

"Masturbating not 'aloud' as it would echo around the convent," says another.

Assaulting your possum not allowed: Catholic Church

Some catholics say, What's a wet dream? It's god stroking me off - so if he does it to me I can do it to myself.

This raises a whole heap of questions about whether God is male or female. Come to think of it, if God is a bloke, then he shouldn't be doing those things to me when I'm asleep. However, if God happens to be a beautuful woman who comes to visit me during the wee hours in the form of a sexy angel type, then that'd be a different story, she'd be welcome anytime. Then again, I guess that'd probably just be the devil in disguise, wouldn't it.

Although it doesn't say anywhere in the Bible, "Thou shall not spank thy monkey", the Catechism of the Catholic Church lists masturbation as one of the "Offenses Against Chastity" and calls it "an intrinsically and gravely disordered action" because "use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose."

And that includes catholic women too, of course, so girls, next time you 'double click on the mouse', you better think twice, unless, according to your church, burning in the fires of hell doesn't bother you.

Don't worry girls, you're not the only ones who are screwed, according to Jesus, I commit adultery every two minutes - Christ said, "Whoever looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart." (Mt 5:28).

Other Catholics have said, if you can masturbate without fantacizing about someone then it's not a sin. But that' s like playing rugby without a ball, or trying to eat without food.

It's not just Catholicism that outlaws fun either: Judaism, and some sects of Protestantism also consider it a taboo. And while some conservative sects of Islam consider 'beating the bishop' to be impure, killing one can get you martyrdom.

No beating around the bush

Not only is masturbation out, either: "It is always intrinsically wrong to use contraception including sterilization, condoms and other barrier methods, spermicides, coitus interruptus (withdrawal method), the Pill, and all other such methods to prevent new human beings from coming into existence," says the catholic church (catholic.com).

This church law is apparently based on a passage from The Old Testament know as The Sin of Onan.

Basically, it goes like this: One of Judah's sons is slain by God for wickedness - fair enough - so Judah asks his other son, Onan, to go and shag his brother's wife in order to continue the famiy seed.

Although he thought it a strange request, like so many sons trying to please their parents, Onan goes off to shag his brother's wife. But when he goes to do the deed, he has second thoughts and pulls out at the last minute, literally, spilling his seed all over the ground. The Lord was not impressed and slew Onan as well.

See, the thing is, the moral I get from that passage is not that contraception is bad, rather, it's don't fuck with the Lord or he is gonna smite your sorry arse. If you are told to shag your brother's wife, then you bloody well better do it!

It's a good thing for Catholics, being the wanking, vibrator using, pill taking, condom wearing, lusting, felating, aldultery in woman's hearts committing, cunnilingual sinners that they are, that they can just go and confess and get their get-out-of-hell-free cards in order to avoid eternal damnation, or they'd be screwed.

In these anxious times, isn't it wonderful and reassuring to have religion to support us with its eternal wisdom.

And to the legions of nuns who read this blog, no, you may not keep your vibrators!

Harry Potter is the Devil

In case you haven't heard, Harry Potter is 'Satanic', according to the Pope's official exorcist.

"Behind Harry Potter hides the signature of the king of the darkness, the devil," Father Gabriele Amorth, the Pope's chief expert in casting out demons, said in an interview with the Daily Mail.

I think the Pope's chief caster-out-of-demons is taking the piss. He really needs to read the book again (Harry Potter, that is, not the bible). It's plain to see that if the signature of darkness is hidden behind anyone, it's that nasty bit of gear, Malfoy, not lil' ol' Harry. And if he is serious about the devil then he needs to crack down on The Wiggles, bad mother fuckers that they are. Talk about the spawn of the devil, they wrote the book.

And this young christian nut agrees:

Four Pauls and the Neo-Nazis in the hills

A few weeks ago I went with a Spanish mate, Pablo, to vist our Pommy/Spanish buddy, Paul Smith, and his flate mate Pavel(Czechoslovakian for Paul) in the tiny village of Llanes which is tucked away in the hills of Asturias in Northern Spain.

We had an awesome time with plenty of fiestas, but it was Paul's dog, however, who took center stage. Paul takes this mutt with him wherever he goes. The dog is massive (I watched it put away 105 frankfurts without batting an eyelid) - a scary beast but pretty harmless. And ugly as sin - but don't tell Paul that.

Anyway, I didn't set up this blog to talk about dogs, far from it.

This particular weekend was fantastic, I had an awesome time catching up with my mates, and as it was to be my last weekend in Spain, we made it a big one with an all nighter in the village of Llanes with all the local yokels.

However, there was one incident that on the last day left us all feeling uneasy.

With raging hangovers on the Sunday morning we decided the best way to clear the mental mist was to get some food. So we took the scenic route through the hills on the way to the restaurant and were catching some nice glimpses of the valleys around Paul's house when we came across a group of about 16 people standing on the side of the road.

Incredibly, they were gathered round a swastika flag and were all doing the Heil Hitler salute! This is possibly one of the eeriest things I have ever witnessed in my life. We know they exist, but to see a Neo-Nazi group gathered in such a remote place in such large numbers, left us all feeling pretty sickened.

It did clear the hangovers though.

Nice little beach in Llanes

Pavel, Paul, Pablo watching the dog terrorize some kid

... and me